I had listened to the general ideas behind depression during the first ten years of battling it. I heard, “It’s incurable…it’s a chemical deficiency…embrace it just like you would if you had cancer…it’s not going to go away…”
My personal favorite was that it was a chemical deficiency. This meant that I didn’t have to be responsible for any part of it. It was just how I was. It was just how my brain was working–how the chemicals were acting and reacting. It was no different than if I had cancer or diabetes. Right?
I bought into this belief for years. For me, it meant that I had no control over what was happening and therefore, no control over changing anything. The problem was, I wasn’t getting any better on prozac. In fact, things were getting worse. I remember one particular experience as if it happened yesterday. It was about nine years into this.
I was standing in front of our home, the sunshine was bright, and I was undeniably suffering. I was in a sour mood, to say the least. There was no good reason for the sour mood, it just was. I remember looking straight ahead and saying, “Am I really going to have to endure this the rest of my life? Am I really going to feel sad and hopeless all the time? I hate this. It’s getting worse. It feels so hopeless. It’s so dark.”
Hopeless is the best word to describe what I was feeling. The anguish over this lasting the rest of my mortal life was almost unbearable. The thought of it was overwhelming, to stay the least. Those of you who are fighting the monster can probably relate. It’s a bit difficult to put into words what I was feeling that day–and many such days.
I’ve never had cancer or diabetes. So I can’t talk about these diseases and possible root causes. I can, however, say that a gradual change began to come to me. I became willing to look deep and see if there was a root cause to the depression that was just being masked by Prozac. I subconsciously decided to look into the possibility that maybe there was something else there. Then this idea moved into my consciousness and I acted.
Meridian Magazine writer Carolyn Allen interviewed me last week and wrote the following article that describes the first puzzle piece to my healing. She beautifully describes this first leg of my journey to healing…
Is there a connection for you? It matters!